Monday, January 7, 2013

Veltīts esmē - ar mīlestību un derdzību /// For Esmé and in existence - with Love and Squalor

Es staigāju pa dzīvokli, nožāvājos un domāju par Esmē no Selindžera stāsta. Jānis man vienreiz ne no šā, ne no tā atrakstīja vēstuli, kurā viņš dalījās ar saviem literārajās gaitās piedzīvotiem blakus mirkļiem. Jānis maz lasa grāmatas, kuras nav par filozofiju, taču filozofijas studijas viņam ir iemācījušas izlasīt daiļliteratūras tekstus ar vienu reizi un nemeklēt apslēptas idejas katrā rindkopā.
Pirms pāris gadiem es viņam biju aizdevusi Selindžera "Deviņus stāstus", un salīdzinoši nesen viņš viņus visus izlasīja.



"Es vakar lasīju Selindžeru un sapratu!!!

TU MAN ĻOTI ATGĀDINI ESMĒ
meiteni no tā viena stāsta. Viņa ir tāda ļoti Elīnīga un pieļauju, ka 13 gadu vecumā tu biji tieši tāda pati. (jāatzīst stāsts šobrīd ir puslasīts, 'tāpēc ja beigās esmē izrādās riebīga, tad lūdzu nepārprast!)

p.s. sākumā man šķita ka šis stāstiņš būs par esmi, nevis meiteni Esmē! :D "


Es gāju cauri istabai, domāju par Esmē un Jāni, kurš viņu izlasīja, un uz plaukta zili un nekustīgi gulēja "Deviņi stāsti", kurus es sen nebiju redzējusi, par kuriem es nesen biju domājusi, un par ko es tobrīd domāju. Man Jānis viņus devis nebija, acīmredzot Jānis grāmatu bija iedevis Lāsmai, taču tajā mirklī tā likās visai maģiska saslēgšanās.
Stāstu par Esmē es nebiju lasījusi vairākus gadus; es īsti nezināju, ko man domāt par Jāņa asociācijām. Kad es lasīju stāstu, man Esmē nepatika, mani kaitināja, kā viņa žāvājas. "Bet tā Esmē ir tieši kā Elīna - viens pret vienu!" Jānis kaut kad vēlāk izmeta. Es sāku lasīt ar cerību, ka Esmē neizrādīsies riebīga, un ka viņa mani tomēr nekaitinās.

Es sāku lasīt, sākums man patika, tāds dzidrs pelēkums un šķaidīts skumīgums, bet sākumā bija tikai par to amerikāņu kareivi, kurš vienreiz Esmē kafejnīcā satika. Es tiku pāri žāvāšanās vietai; vēl nebiju nokaitināta. Izlasīju Esmē apģērba raksturojumu, un iespējamā kaitināšana vairs nešķita diez cik iespējama.
"Nākamais, ko es atceros, ir jaunā dāma, kas apskaužami izturēti stāv pie mana galdiņa. Viņai mugurā bija rūtaina vilnas auduma kleita - ja nemaldos, Kempbelu krāsās. Man šķita, kas tas ir brīnišķīgs tērps ļoti jaunai dāmai valkāšanai lietainā, lietainā dienā."*
Tas patiesi ir brīnišķīgs tērps lietainai, lietainai dienai, un Kempbelu rūtojums ir mans mīļākais rūtojums. Starp citu, nav gluži tā, ka es tikai uz drēbēm uzķeros.

Apstāklis, ka Jānis iesākumā domāja, ka lasīs par esamību, nevis meiteni ar normālu vārdu, ir teju piemīlīgs, es gribētu teikt. Kāds acīmredzami ir vairāk lasījis filosofiska rakstura literatūru, nevis daiļliteratūru parasto. Pēc kāda laika Jānim ļoti patika "Trīs draugi", bet par tiem mēs pat sīciņāko sarunu nevarējām noturēt, jo es neesmu lasījusi.

Tomēr man patīk tikai mīlestība, kamēr Esmē patika arī derdzība. Man patīk, ka viņai patīk abi.


* Dž. D. Selindžers. Veltīts Esmē - ar mīlestību un derdzību, "Deviņi stāsti".



^^^^^

I was headed to my room, I yawned, I was thinking about Esmé from the story of Salinger. Janis once out of a clear blue sky sent me a letter sharing his moments he had experienced while reading real literature. Janis doesn't really read books that don't cover philosophical topics, still philosophical studies have taught him to read fiction and succeed by a single attempt, and also not to look for hidden ideas and meanings in every single paragraph.
A couple of years ago I had lent him J.D. Salinger's "Nine Stories". Quite recently he read them all.



"Yesterday I was reading Salinger and realized!!!

YOU REMIND ME OF ESME A LOT
a girl from that story. She's quite a lot Elina-like and I assume, that at the age of 13 you were exactly as her. (I have to admit that at this moment the story is only halfway finished, therefore if at the end Esmé turns out to be repulsive, please, don't take it the wrong way!)

p.s. at first I thought that this story would be about the existence, not a girl named Esmé! :D "
[This is due to the grammatical homonyms in Latvian language - "Esmē" is a female name, whilst "esmē" means "in existence".]



I walked through the living room, thinking about Esmé and Janis, who had just read about her, and in a blue and still manner "Nine Stories" were lying on the shelf. I hadn't seen them for a long time, I had been thinking about them quite recently, and I was thinking of them at that moment. Janis didn't give that book to me, obviously he handed it to Lasma, for all that at that moment it seemed to be a magic coincidence.
I hadn't read the story about Esmé for years; I didn't quite know what to think about the associations of Janis. When I was reading the story, I didn't like Esmé, I was irritated by the way she yawned. "But that Esmé is exactly like Elina - one-to-one!" Janis once a little bit later said. I opened the book, hoping that Esmé wouldn't turn out repulsive, and that she didn't irritate me.

I started to read, and I liked the beginning - there was some kind of clear greyness and diluted sadness, although the beginning only covered the American soldier, who once met Esmé in a café. I got past the yawning sequence; I didn't feel annoyed yet. I read the description of the clothes Esmé was wearing, and the probable irritation seemed pretty improbable.
"The next thing I knew, the young lady was standing, with enviable poise, beside my table. She was wearing a tartan dress - a Campbell tartan, I believe. It seemed to me to be a wonderful dress for a very young girl to be wearing on a rainy, rainy day."*
That is for sure a wonderful dress for a rainy, rainy day, and the Campbell tartan is my favorite tartan. By the way, it is not quite so that I always fall for the bait in the shape of clothes.

The fact that at first Janis thought he would be reading about existence, not a girl with a normal name, is almost sweet, I'd like to remark. Apparently someone has read way more philosophical stuff than the common and ordinary fiction. At some point later Janis was quite fond of "Three friends", however we couldn't hold even the tiniest conversation about it, since I hadn't read it.

Still, I only like love, whereas Esmé liked squalor too. I like that she likes both.


* J.D. Salinger. For Esmé – with Love and Squalor, "Nine Stories"